The Diavorce Solutionist

Making Strategic Decisions Based on the Phase of Your Family Court Case

There’s little disagreement amongst Family Court litigants that the Family Court cycle can seem neverending. If you ask most people going through the process, they will tell you that things seem to all morph into one big catastrophe. However, this is not completely accurate. The typical divorce or custody case goes through stages or phases while it moves through Family Court.  Identifying each of these stages can be challenging, especially if you’re the one enduring the torment that’s usually associated with it. 

But not only are there different phases of a typical divorce or custody case, the issues also vary based on the phase they’re in.  The parties’ issues might remain steady, but there are different parts of the court process that require a different type of attention at each stage. This means that as a litigant, you need to strategize differently based on the stage your case is in. 

We have identified each phase by referring to them as “lanes”.  There are four lanes on the superhighway to Family Court hell. They all lead to the same place but the bumps (challenges), the route (action), and the directions (decisions) all vary based on the specific lane(s) your case is in.  Although your case can be in two lanes at once, it is advisable to limit them to two.

Explanation of the Various Phases (Lanes)

Every Family Court starts with a choice or decision (Lane 1) stemming from an action or series of actions by either party. Once either, or both, parties choose to go the Family Court route, their freedom to choose much of what happens throughout the process gets limited. The court will take over and implement rules and guidelines on how the case will proceed (Lane 2). Then at some point, the court will seem to be apathetic while still dictating how things proceed, leaving many to question why they decided to get court involved in the first place (Lane 3). And last, your case will make it to the “finish” line (Lane 4), if there is every truly a finish line, you get to “reclaim” some of the control by opting to take your case to trial. 

Lane One: Decision Time, the Beginning of Your Family Court Experience

As mentioned, Lane 1 is the beginning. Either party is gearing up;  gathering info and resources and putting things together with the intention of getting help with their divorce or custody. At this stage, things like timing, logistics, resources and personal circumstances are are crucial. Knowing when to file your case, jurisdiction considerations, and wording your petitions are all pivotal. Understanding court processes, connecting with resources, and identifying helpful information early can give you a significant advantage as you lay the groundwork for your case.

Lane Two: Filing and Interaction, Getting the Ball Rolling in Family Court

Lane 2, considerations are a bit different in the sense that once the case has started, some foundational things will remain intact no matter what. The court process is already set so deviating from some parts of it are more difficult to do at this stage. Things like identifying the problems or issues, the “real” ones, are extremely key at this stage. In addition, understanding what leverage is and identifying your leverage as well as the other party’s is also very important.  This is also the phase where you begin to focus on creating a solid game plan, like making strategic choices about when to interact and engage with the opposing party, the court, and the mediators.

Lane Three: Positioning for the Future, In the Thick of Things in Your Divorce or Custody

If your case made it past the six-month mark, it didn’t settle, or wasn’t resolved in mediation, then chances are you’re headed to Lane 3. By this time, you should have amassed a wealth of resources and built a deep understanding of your case. No more walking around with your head in the clouds, you’re starting to see Family Court for what it really is. You see that judges can be completely biased, the laws are not always applied correctly, that lawyers get away with acting unethically and you’re exasperated by the ugly truth. This time is pivotal, because since it wasn’t settled before now, chances are your case is going to trial. That means that frustration is at an all-time high followed by immense fear.  No one wants to hear the big “t” word because thoughts of excessive fees, feelings of uncertainty, and visions of seeing your child(ren) living with the other parent are involved with trial. But this is the time to shift your focus to prepping for the opportunity to finally present all of the improprieties that occurred in your case, in one setting.  

Lane Four: Gearing Up for Your Family Court Trial or Appeal

And at last, if you’re in Lane 4 you made it to the “finish” line. This is the moment you have been waiting for, although you didn’t know it, the moment to finally tell your story.  You get to speak and not be ignored; you get to point out all the lies the other party has been telling that you didn’t get a chance to prove; you get to call the guardian ad litem out for their unprofessional way of handling their responsibilities and so on.  And although you are scared out of your mind, this is the time to bring it all home. Win or lose, this is the time to seek vindication and to make peace with everything that has haunted you throughout the process. Knowing your key players and leveraging the knowledge gained throughout the previous stages is crucial. You must meticulously plot out how to use the information and resources built up over time to strategically navigate the trial phase and secure a favorable outcome.

Final Thoughts

Navigating the family court system can be overwhelming, but with the right strategies, you can take control, set the tone, and position yourself for success. Remember, everything you do at each stage has an impact on your case’s future, so strategic thinking and proactive planning are essential.

If you wish to discuss your options as a pro se (self-represented) party, please feel free to visit here.  If you are interested in our unique Pro Se Family Court Membership program, please find out more here.

How to Use Tactics to “Beat” the Other Parent in Family Court

How to Use Tactics to “Beat” the Other Parent in Family Court beat other party in family court

Today, we’re diving into an all too important and often complicated topic: navigating the twists and turns of family court to beat your opponent. Whether you’re representing yourself or you’ve got an attorney by your side, using the right tactics to execute a keen strategy is non-negotiable if you want to get custody of your child(ren). So, let’s strategize together on preparing to win custody.

Coming Up with a Gameplan in Family Court

Strategy is the foundation of any custody or divorce case in Family Court. It’s not the law or procedure that gets people what they want, or even close to what they’re seeking, it’s strategy. Having a well-thought-out gameplan serves so many purposes, especially in a place like family court where anything goes. You can have a gameplan but if you don’t have the specific tasks to achieve your goals then you’re wasting your time. Being ready for the unexpected, having a backup plan for the letdowns, and staying on course when things get tough are all good reasons to have one. 

Using the Right Tactics to Execute Strategy

First off, let me share with you the first step in coming up with tactics that will execute your solid gameplan for your family court case: take the time to journal your current situation. Be honest and open with yourself about every aspect of your current circumstances concerning your finances, your living situation, your health, etc. Jot down everything real and happening right now. Why? Because family courts are dynamic and what’s true today may not hold tomorrow but you need to be prepared for it all. 

Next in your gameplan execution is: Understanding everything about your opponent including their motives and circumstances. It’s not just what you know about the other party from when you were together, it’s also identifying the key components of the other party’s case theory. You need to know their “real” motives, their case strengths and weaknesses as well as their current situation. Knowledge is power here, folks. 

Once you’ve done that, or while you’re doing that, it’s time to conduct research and investigation to see what’s out there.  Research can help you make the best argument, make informed decisions, and position your custody or divorce case for the outcome you intend on getting. The information will help you get into the nooks and crannies of every step of the family court process, this helps increase your chances of success tenfold. You will need to find applicable court rules & laws, the background information on the key players (like the judges and lawyers), and any resources that might be available for family court litigants. Investigating is necessary to help back up everything you know about the key players as well as to find out what you don’t know about them.

Then after you’ve done your research and investigation you need to brainstorm, take everything you’ve learned and discovered, and figure out what to do with it. Do you use it now, hold it for the right time or not use it at all -these are all that you need to ponder. The key is to make use of it all the best way possible. Some things might not matter right now but might be critical later, and vice versa.

After all of this, it’s time to plot. Plotting takes planning and preparing to a whole other level. It’s not merely deciding what your next move should be. Plotting is basing your next move on what the other party’s next move will be. This is called “preemptive” moves, which are different from preventive ones. It’s not just anticipating their moves, it’s deciding what your next move should be based on what you anticipate they will do. You’re getting in front of anything they can possibly claim or defend.

I cannot stress enough the importance of strategy. Think of it this way: law might dictate 20% of your case, but your tactics can sway the remaining 80%. And remember, family court can sometimes be biased and often dismissive of what we consider ‘rights.’ Brace yourself for these challenges, and factor them into your game plan.

In building a strategy, assess your strengths, weaknesses, threats, and the favorable factors at play. This isn’t simply about having resources but about thinking critically. It’s plotting—meticulous and calculated planning.

Tips to Employ Tactics

You can have a clear vision of what you want but be confused about how to get there. This happens more than you think. It’s paying attention to the details that are extremely critical to successfully executing any gameplan. These are some key things to keep in mind:

  1. Being organized can’t be optional. Create a prioritized plan, and then make a backup—because, let’s face it, life loves throwing curveballs, especially in family court. Consider the ‘best interest of the child’ factors critically, and always maximize your time and arguments in court.
  2. Skills and confidence could mean the edge you need, and these don’t always come from your attorney. They come from you, developing them rigorously.
  3. When presenting your case, think outside the box. Be creative, and resourceful, and always question with specific intent. Don’t ask something when you can answer it yourself. Pay attention to the details; that’s where the devil (and sometimes the angel) lies.
  4. Flexibility is key—I can’t emphasize that enough. Speak with goals in mind and be discreet about your intentions. In court, making the other person comfortable can be your stealth weapon; they listen better, understand better, and are more inclined to trust and believe you.
  5. Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, don’t give too much away. Be mindful of the judge’s reactions, ask questions strategically, and always keep the oversharing in check.

In conclusion

Don’t destroy a perfectly good case by going to family court blind. You need to stop, plan/organize, and then take action…the “right” action though not just any action.

If you wish to discuss your options as a pro se (self-represented) party, please feel free to visit here.  If you are interested in our unique Pro Se Family Court Membership program, please find out more here.

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Case Theory in Your Divorce or Custody Case

Theory in Your Divorce or Custody Case

In your divorce or custody case, as in any other court case, you need to create a theory for your case. Judges have the difficult task of choosing which party to believe based on how they present their argument and case. This means that it is critically important for you to come up with a theory for your case that convinces the court to believe your side.

Creating a theory for your Family Court case is the starting point for establishing a persuasive argument to support your position as the more “fit” parent. The underlying test in any Family Court case is deciding which parent is more fit, or which parent is more likely to foster their child’s well-being.  In other words, each parent must convince the judge that they are the one most capable of ensuring their child’s physical, emotional, and intellectual well-being.  In that, having a theory essentially helps you to come up with a clear and convincing narrative that highlights why you believe you are in fact that parent and should have custody of your child or children.

The Theory Behind Having a Theory

Attorneys understand that practicing law is more about art than it is skill.  They understand that the law itself is an amorphous concept that can be interpreted in several different ways based on one’s position.  That’s why so many lawyers are covert creatives, they expand on that attribute when they are arguing their case.

Think about it, it’s the same law being argued the difference is the facts. So that means they are finagling the law to make it appear as if their set of facts fit best. The best way to ensure that you are able to do this successfully is by establishing a direct connection between the two.

Disadvantages of NOT Having a Theory

Lawyers know that they must have a theory if they want to have even a slight chance of “winning” their case. However, self-represented litigants often overlook or are unaware of how important this step is.  Self-represented litigants tend to think that every single issue (every misstep, shortcoming, flaw, or fault) of the other parent needs to be addressed in court. This is furthest from the truth. The courts don’t have the time, nor the interest, in listening to people air all of their dirty laundry. Not to mention, one runs the risk of missing some of the most critical issues in their case when they do this.  The law does have a place in Family Court cases and so narrowing down the facts to the ones that directly correlate to the law is a must.

Developing a Theory

Before you start working on creating your theory, keep these things in mind.

1. Understand the Law:

   – Familiarize yourself with your state’s custody laws, or Best Interests of the Child standards, as much as you are able to.  Although the standards are pretty straightforward, how they apply will vary based on your specific situation, amongst other things.

2. Gather Necessary Information:

   – Start to collect all relevant documents and information related to your child’s well-being, including school records, medical and therapy records, and anything to show past child-rearing responsibilities.

   – Start to document your involvement in your child’s life, such as attendance at school events, extracurricular activities, doctor’s appointments, and other significant milestones.

3. Identify Your Key Points:

   – Use the BIOTC standards to determine the main reasons why you believe you should have custody of your child. Be sure to base your arguments on the specifics set out in the BIOTC, not just on what you believe to be the best reasons.

4. Establish a Strong Narrative:

   – Practice creating a coherent and compelling narrative that explains why your custody request is in the child’s best interests. Be specific and tie in examples of specific situations or events wherever possible.

   – Get ahead of and address any potential weaknesses in your case, such as past issues or concerns, in a transparent and constructive manner. Explain how you have addressed or plan to address these concerns.

5. Consider the Child’s Best Interests:

   – Emphasize how your proposed custody arrangement will benefit the child. Courts typically prioritize the best interests of the child above all else, so be sure to focus on this aspect in your theory.

6. Support Your Claims with Adequate Evidence:

   – Back up your narrative with concrete evidence, such as documents, photographs, witnesses, and expert testimonies.  Be sure that your evidence directly relates to the key points of your theory.

7. Be Confident and Credible:

   – Be sure that your case is airtight. Take time to address each phase of your case to ensure that you give each sufficient thought. Also, be sure that you’re able to back up your facts and that they align with the other party’s version of events.  

8. Anticipate Counterarguments:

   – Take a deep dive into the other party’s arguments and claims to prepare for them. Consider what arguments or evidence the other party might present based on prior complaints, their petitions, etc., and be prepared to counter these points effectively in your theory.

9. Consult with at Least One Qualified Attorney:

   – It’s always strongly advised to consult with an experienced family law attorney in your jurisdiction. It is important to note that the attorney needs to be one who practices in your specific jurisdiction as they know local practices best.  Although there are few offering free consultations these days, some will offer reduced-fee ones.

10. Understand the Family Court Process:

    – Get familiar with how your particular court operates.  Your Family Court case will depend greatly on your court’s process, who the judges are, how your case is heard, etc. Therefore, it is important to understand that your case theory should also incorporate how the court’s process will impact your argument. If you don’t have a case theory at the start of your case, no need to fret you have time. However, if your case is headed in the direction of court involvement, or better yet, trial, then you must absolutely take the time to work on a case theory. If you are a self-represented litigant going against a lawyer-represented opposing party, you are begging for disaster if you don’t have a theory.  As I mentioned, lawyers know how incredibly important it is to create a theory so it would behoove you to do the same.


If you wish to discuss your options as a pro se (self-represented) party, please feel free to visit here.  If you are interested in our unique Pro Se Family Court Membership program, please find out more here. 

Using Public Agencies Resources in Your Custody Battle

Agencies’ Resources in Family Court

Using Public Agencies’ Resources in Family Court

You absolutely need to use everything in your arsenal, or that’s at least available to you, if you have any chance of winning your custody or divorce case on your own. When I say on your own, I don’t mean literally. I mean if you are representing yourself, are pro se, then it is ever more important that you take advantage of all of the resources out there. Being pro se in Family Court is already very challenging, and can be more disastrous for your case, so you need to do what you can to minimize the obstacles from every direction.
Family Court is Smorgasbord

Look, let’s face it, Family Court is not your typical court. Not at, unlike most other courts, the Family Court encompasses the most sensitive topics regarding family, relationships, and parenting.  Some would go so far as to describe it as a confluence of a mental health facility, a social services agency, and a place for justice. And whether you agree or not, the reality is that Family Court is rarely ever solely about what’s being discussed in court. At the same time, since there’s always more going on than the obvious, there are typically several other resources or entities that can step in to diffuse most situations.

Being Preemptive in Family Court

Domestic violence (IPV), substance abuse, child abuse/neglect, mental health issues, and developmental issues are all prevalent in most, if not all, Family Court divorce or custody cases. Getting these issues addressed by the right authority can oftentimes minimize their impact on the court experience. It is best to not only take preventative measures whenever possible, but there at times when it’s best to take preemptive ones instead. This means preparing for the attack before the actual attack occurs. So, for instance, if you know that the other party or opposing counsel will raise issues of allegations of abuse, you would find out every procedure, program, etc. that would address the abuse. How you would use the insight will depend on the nature of the allegations, the extent to which they will play a role in your case and the possible outcomes.

Tips for Utilizing Agencies in your Divorce or Custody Case

When navigating a custody case, social service and public agencies can provide valuable support and resources. Here’s how you can effectively utilize them:

  1. Research relevant and applicable agencies: Almost any of the issues that are prevalent in Family Court have a corresponding agency that acts as a gatekeeper, monitor, or rehabilitative resource. Start by identifying the agencies that deal with these. Familiarize yourself with their roles, responsibilities, and services offered.
  1. Understand their processes: Learn about the specific processes and procedures followed by each agency. Always start by going to their website, where information about their structure, mission, procedure, etc. can be found. Then see if they hold public meetings, have information sessions, etc. so that you can establish contact with a person on staff.
  1. Make direct contact: It’s always ideal to have direct contact, via phone or email, where you can ask a staff person specific questions that can help you in your case or defend yourself in the case. You don’t need to divulge any sensitive information. In fact, it is advisable to be very careful that you don’t share particular issues of danger to mandated reporters, where you can be implicated unless you are prepared to present your defense. Consult with a family law attorney to understand the best approach for involving public agencies in your particular custody case. They can guide you through the legal aspects and help you navigate the specific requirements and protocols.
  1. Use the information in your case in court or as part of negotiations: Once you know how the agency works, what the criteria are, what they offer, etc. you can use it in your case no matter what position you’re in with respect to it. That means you can use it to work on your case’s weaknesses, use it to request appropriate services for the other party, or use it to get the help you need for your child(ren).
  1. Collaborate with professionals: Public agencies often work closely with professionals such as social workers, counselors, evaluators, GALs and lawyers. Be cooperative and open to their involvement, as their assessments and recommendations can influence the outcome of your case. Provide them with any relevant information or evidence that can support your position.
  1. Take advantage of any rehabilitative programs offered: Lots of these agencies have preventive classes, workshops, etc. offered for free or reduced costs. Things like parent education, sobriety programs, etc. are usually topics covered.
  1. Maintain documentation: Keep detailed records of all interactions, communications, and documents exchanged with the public agencies involved in your case. These records can serve as valuable evidence and help ensure that your concerns and actions are accurately documented.
  1. Follow up and stay informed: Stay engaged in the process by regularly communicating with the agency and using what you’ve learned or worked on to your benefit.
In Conclusion

Remember, every jurisdiction might have different processes and guidelines regarding the involvement of social services and public agencies in divorce or custody cases. Not to mention, judges are not too fond of litigants abusing or misappropriating these agencies’ resources. However, they can certainly defer to any recommendations, commendations, etc. made by these agencies and rely on them to help make sound rulings.


If you wish to discuss your options as a pro se (self-represented) party, please feel free to visit here.  If you are interested in our unique Pro Se Family Court Membership program, please find out more here. 

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Strategic Plan in Divorce or Custody

Strategic plan family court
Strategic Plan Divorce Custody

Family Law C

Creating a strategic plan in business is a must if that business wants to increase its chances of success. Having one usually indicates that the business is serious about mapping its short and long-term goals. It also means that they are dedicated to putting measures in place to reach them. Having a detailed plan based on your values and beliefs is a win-win. So why wouldn’t you create one for any aspect of your personal life? Particularly where the goals are extremely important and significant, why not plot out a plan. A strategic plan in divorce or custody is brilliant.

Your divorce or custody is more than likely consuming a huge part of your life… right? I mean it does not matter who you are, where you are located, how much money you have it’s daunting.  The Family Court experience is full of surprises. And one of the best ways to prepare for the unexpected is to prepare for the unexpected. A strategic plan is certain to do just that.

Imbalance of Power Custody Divorce

What is a Strategic Plan?

A strategic plan in divorce or custody is a roadmap that sets specific goals for your case. It considers all the facts & information relevant to your issues, no matter the source. It then requires you to use this data to focus on your personal values and beliefs to create a vision. This vision is made up of your long and short-term goals for yourself and your family. Then, creating a specific layout to achieve those goals requires a deeper understanding of the information gathered. The layout incorporates your strengths and weaknesses, measured against threats and opportunities.  This results in you producing a course of action to reach those goals. It is a roadmap, diagram, course of action, game plan to achieve success in Family Court.

Why Should You Have a Strategic Plan for your Family Court case?

As I mentioned, having a strategic plan increases your chances of success no matter what area of your life. And the reality is that you want to get the results you want no matter which side you are on in divorce or custody. Having a plan helps you to map out your goals for your family.

These goals include-

All these goals might have a place in your short and long-term goals. It is for you to decide which ones do and how to prioritize them. Because how you approach them depends on how important they are to you. And the more aligned the two are increased chances of success.

How Do You Create Strategic Plan?

The first step is to take an honest look at your current situation. This is difficult to do, but it needs to be done with as much objectivity as possible. You must dig deep and look wide to assess your financial, personal, emotional/mental, and legal circumstances. It is best that you take your time with this part because any oversights can ruin your efforts overall. Also, it is important to ask trusted loved ones for their insight as well to ensure that the assessment is accurate.

Next, you will spend time creating a detailed list of your opposing party’s position.  Look at the things they are requesting, their current situation, their past behaviors, etc. You do not have to be 100% accurate, but the more you are able to the better.

Then you will need to look at both lists to help you to create your vision. Your vision should consist of what your future family life looks like. For example, what does co-parent look like, what is your future financial situation, and so on.

From there, you will need to identify your strengths and weaknesses. This means classifying those things you produced in the first step, as strengths or weaknesses. They can be physical, legal, practical, financial or anything that has a direct impact on your divorce or custody.

After that, you will need to go beyond your lists to gather information directly related to the legal aspects of your family law case.  This includes your opponent’s position, the court venue/jurisdiction, policy issues, the laws, the judges, basically anything that is outside of your control.

Once you have gone through all these steps, you are able to create a plan by applying these to your overall goals.

When Should You Create a Strategic Plan?

Right now! Contact me to discuss how I can help.

Results of Having a Strategic Plan

You are better able to circumvent the destructive practices of the Family Court. Not only are you more prepared to deal with the Family Court’s bias and unfair treatment, but you also build confidence as a result.

Choosing to be Pro Se, as opposed to having an attorney, can be strategic.  Although most jurists discourage Family Court parties represent themselves, there are times when it’s advantageous.

Being a victim of your opponent is also off the table. Having a plan in place helps to become empowered. The exercise of creating the strategy is itself is empowering.

Having a better understanding of the Family Court process is also an advantage of having a strategic plan. Every step of the process covers every facet of the Family Court journey, and that is by design. You will most certainly be able to highlight the issues that are most important to the judge, which is extremely important.

In Conclusion

So, if you want to increase your chances of “winning” this is an excellent start. There is endless data on the importance of having a strategic plan in place. Even though the data available relates to business strategic plans, there is no sound reason it would not apply in divorce or custody.

If you would like to see how I can help you create the best Strategic Plan for your specific case, please visit here.

Related Tag: Child Custody

If you wish to discuss your options as a pro se (self-represented) party, please feel free to visit here.  If you are interested in our unique Pro Se Family Court Membership program, please find out more here.

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Imbalance of Power Custody Divorce

It is not unheard of that parties in divorce or custody have unequal playing fields.  In several different family dynamics, one party can assert the decision-making authority or power to dominate the relationship.  Whether it be financial, physical, mental, or emotional, when one party has more to lose than the other, chances are there is an imbalance of power. The imbalance of power in custody or divorce can create a nightmare for all involved.  Most high-conflict cases stem from some unequal distribution of power or authority within the family.  Not to mention, contempt cases tend to happen more in instances.  Violating custody orders that came out of these dynamics is bound to happen.

Family Court Legal Terms, Commonly Used & Misused, Explained-PT I

Imbalance of Power Defined

During divorce or custody, an imbalance of power can exist in a few ways.  It may be something that pre-exists or that occurred as a result of turmoil associated with their Family Court Custody case.  Let’s take a look at situations where an imbalance was a part of the family unit before divorce or custody.   Many families have situations where one person is the breadwinner while the other stays home to raise the children.  And even though the parties’ contribution to the marriage is considered “equal” in a practical sense they may not be.

The breadwinner usually has the resources to hire a lawyer, move out of the home, give the children things out of the question for the other parent, and so on.  Having the means to do these sorts of things certainly puts that party in a more advantageous position concerning their case. This is an example of an imbalance of power in the financial sense.   But the imbalance can be mental, emotional, and physical too.  Anytime one party has substantially more to lose than the other, unfairly especially, there is an imbalance of power.

In relationships where there is physical, mental, and/or emotional abuse, an imbalance of power most certainly exists.  The victim of abuse almost always has no authority in the decision-making process or no power to exert authority in the relationship.

Sometimes an imbalance is created merely by using the children as pawns.  In parental alienation cases, for instance, one parent maliciously brainwashes or programs their child, resulting in hatred against the other.  This can lead to outcomes that are not based on the merits but on the power or authority one has over the other.

Why is Imbalance of Power Detrimental

Where there is an imbalance in power in divorce or custody, someone will undoubtedly lose.  The loss can be short-term or long-term, financial, mental, legal, or even physical.  The acquiescent party, for example, can be strong-armed into agreeing to joint custody knowing that that’s not what’s best for their child.  And in this case, the child “loses” too.  Unequal distribution of power can make negotiation difficult too.  In instances where the issues are pretty straightforward and ripe for settlement, an imbalance of power can unfairly shift things in the empowered party’s favor.

This happens often in Family Court and is major reason cases end catastrophically.  Principles like “the best interests of the child” don’t hold up because the power imbalance prevails instead.  This is disastrous because that empowered parent can shift his or her need to control to the child.

Not all situations are doomed in which there is an unequal distribution of power or authority.

Can You Level the Playing Field

In some cases, there is no leveling the playing field.  However, there are times when the parties (or others involved) can shift the focus.   In mediation, for example, the mediator is skilled at using tactics to shift the focus to the acquiescent party’s favor.  Mediators are trained to use specific methods to help bring important topics to the forefront.  These tactics don’t necessarily take the power away from the empowered party, but they certainly help to keep it at bay.

Another method is to become informed.  Knowledge is extremely important in shifting the focus or redirecting the control of the empowered party.  Arming oneself with all the information and relevant resources can help the acquiescent discover strengths they were unaware of.

A support system is crucial to shifting the imbalance as well.  Oftentimes, the party with the least authority or power builds confidence and strength just from having a supportive team around them.

In conclusion

Be mindful of your particular circumstances.  It is extremely important to be very honest with your intentions, your goals, and your present situation.  This will help you to prepare for what’s to come without losing out on what matters most.

If you wish to discuss your options as a pro se (self-represented) party, please feel free to visit here.  If you are interested in our unique Pro Se Family Court Membership program, please find out more here. 

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SNEAK PEEK: NEW! Strategic Action Plan Workbook ONLY $27- Limited Time!

This strategic action plan workbook is 27 pages of extremely useful tips & resources; exercises; worksheets and MUCH MORE!!!

About the Family Court Strategic Action Plan Workbook:

Family Court parties are usually the most overwhelmed, disappointed and victimized of any other court venue.  For several reasons, people that are embroiled in a Family Court, either divorce or custody, case often feel like they are at their wits end fighting for their families.  One of the main reasons parties feel disappointed and discouraged is because of the lawyers failure to provide adequate representation.  Another major reason, is because the Family Court system is destructive to families.  The laws are often overlooked, the procedures are applies arbitrarily and the judges are extremely biased.  So what are the parties to do when they are forced to litigate their case in court in spite of all of these flaws?  What they should do is not give up….NEVER give up! They owe it to their children to speak up for them, to ensure that their well-being is not overlooked and to protect their future.

Your Support System, “Village”: Key Part of Your Strategic Plan

There is a saying “if you can’t beat them then join them”.  This is definitely applicable and justified in Family Court.  It’s a system that can’t “beat” because they have the power and the authority.  So you can “join” them or align with the court by learning to “play” by their rules. How do you do that? I’m glad you ask.  You need to use something that IS on your side….STRATEGY!  The judge and court have the law and power and authority……………..but you have STRATEGY!

What is STRATEGY and how does it even apply to your Family Court case?  It is the practical and tactical steps you take to achieve your specific goal.  Strategy can apply to any aspect of life where you set goals, aspirations, missions, etc. It’s a matter of  deciding that you will do whatever it takes to achieve success by reaching those goals.  You do have goals in mind with respect to your Family Court case, right?  I mean you are not blindly going through the process without a desired outcome are you?  Well, even if you have been up til this point, it’s time to change that.  You need to approach this aspect of your life as if your life depended on it, because in all reality this is YOUR LIFE!

Strategy is where the practical and the legal overlap.   There is a practical path to get through the process in addition to the legal one.  The problem is that lawyers are only concerned with the legal path.  And the practical side is often overlooked or misguided because litigants need guidance here too.  So, what typically happens in this instance. The parties wind up being forced to settle or getting slammed at trial and feeling victimized by the whole ordeal.  No one wins in Family Court, but not everybody has to lose it all either. But had a solid strategy been developed, followed and revised when necessary, the outcome would have been different.

That’s what this Workbook helps the user to develop, strategy.  It provides information and exercises that will help the user develop a strategy using a step by step process.

It Includes:

This is ideal for ANYONE going through Family Court, divorce or custody case, that would like to approach the process from a proactive stance.   Whether self-represented or represented by an attorney, this Workbook will supplement anything you’ve been using to help you navigate your case.  As a first step or supplement to what you’re already doing, this is a very valuable resource for any Family Court litigant.

If you wish to discuss your options as a pro se (self-represented) party, please feel free to visit here.  If you are interested in our unique Pro Se Family Court Membership program, please find out more here. 

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Your Support System, “Village”: Key Part of Your Strategic Plan

Your Support System, “Village” in your Strategic Plan

One major component of strategic planning is having a support system or a “village”. Not just any support system but one comprised of people with various backgrounds or roles. Of course, having family, friends, support groups, etc. is important during divorce or custody.  Your friend who has never been married has a perspective that’s different than your great-aunt who has been for 50 years. The roles or positions each of them plays, particularly because of their life experiences, is even more critical.  The reason being, you are more able to anticipate your ex’s or soon to be ex’s moves when you have different perspectives to consider. As you know, everything for me is about strategy, so being able to foresee your opponent moves is key.

 

Using Cost-Benefit Analysis to Your Benefit in Family Court

 

Assess Your Values

Everyone has or should have a role in your divorce or custody situation and their role serves a purpose. Family/friends, mental health professionals, legal experts, financial services and so on. When you take a good long look at your values, you can use the members of your support system as a guide.  Your values force you to look at the things that matter most to you and how much you want to honor them.  That means, family, health, happiness, etc., these elements should not be viewed in a vacuum.

 

Know Your Mission

This requires a look at your life journey and purpose.  It includes those values you assessed earlier on, but now has you putting those in perspective.  You should have an overall vision of where you are headed in your life post-divorce or custody (although custody can go on what seems like an eternity.) Your village also plays a part in your vision.  They can help you get there in a theoretical sense, as well as a practical one.

Divorce and custody can…I’m sorry…it will, completely uproot your life.   Your financial situation drastically changes, your emotional state is forever distorted and your mental being is constantly challenged. Your mission for your life as a spouse or even before parenthood completely changes once you are enthralled in divorce or custody.

 

Your Analysis

You need to do a SWOT on yourself and on your overall case.  Yes, you took time to assess your values, dug deeper to come up with a mission, now you need to look at your personal self.  But here’s the thing, you shouldn’t do this on your own.  Your strong and diverse support system will be ideal in helping you in this phase of your strategy.   Your SWOT analysis requires you to look at your strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, and threats.

Identifying your strengths, with respect to the divorce or custody, directs you (or your village) to look at the advantages you have over your ex or soon to be ex; the values that you have that they don’t; the resources you have and so on.

Your weaknesses, where it’s harder to be objective, looks at the areas you lack confidence; the limited resources available to you; your personality traits that make you vulnerable in this particular situation and so on.

The opportunities available to you include things like, the help and support your village can provide in the deficient areas; the ability for you to acquire skills to improve your limitations and so on.

Pinpointing threats forces you to look at obstacles that stand in your way; the potential for any change in your other positions to become a detriment and so on.

The SWOT analysis must be done very carefully, honestly, and methodically.  It can cause tons of discomfort and force you to step outside of your comfort zone, but the benefits are endless. Your village’s cooperation and participation are very important if the SWOT is to be effective.

 

Wrap it All Up

You should not go into your divorce or custody without a plan, theme, or a strategy.   Does not matter what you call it, the important thing is that you give some time and attention to developing a thorough, well thought out plan for every phase of the process.  You cannot, nor should you, do it all on your own.   It takes a combination of skills, talents, and traits to create the best strategy and that’s where your village comes in.

Take your time, get your emotions in check, and clear your mind.

 

In Conclusion

When facing divorce or custody, it is not unheard of to seek help from therapists, church, friends, family, etc.  But I wanted to show you a different perspective in how they can help you get through the process with a clear vision and plan.  You increase your chances of getting better outcomes when you take the time to cultivate a village of supporters who bring something different to the equation.

If you need help with strategy in your Family Court matter, feel free to schedule a FREE consultation here. 

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Stay-at-Home Parents and Divorce

A lot of people think stay-at-home moms are a thing of the past.  There are certainly tons of people who have no idea that dads stay at home too.  The decision to stay at home can be based on a variety of reasons but the main one is financial between the parents and divorce. The costs of daycare have skyrocketed in the past decade, making it more logical for one parent to stay home than pay. There are a lot of things that should be taken into consideration when the family makes this decision.

 

The Impact of Divorce On Stay at Home Parents

There are several things that come up in divorces, but particularly in one where one party was the stay at home or homemaker. Finances is a major issue in households with one wage earner when it comes to divorce.   Alimony or spousal support, child support and property division are all common topics that require attention when a divorce action is started.  The stay-at-home party usually needs some financial support to continue while the wage earner usually disagrees.

  1. Alimony or Spousal Support

Most states have a law that allows litigants to sue the other for financial support.  Each state differs in what it considers but some factors are pretty much across state lines.  For example, the duration of the marriage, the employability or work history of the parties, the financial resources, just to name a few.  Most states limit alimony to a set number of years based on the duration of the marriage, the age & health of the parties and the number of years it would take for the non-wage earner to become gainfully employed.  Some states, particularly community property states, do not have any laws for alimony.  Community property states that ALL property acquired during the marriage is subject to equal distribution.

Property Division in Divorce

The stay-at-home parent who was never employed or has no employable skills, due to being out of the workforce, has an advantage. The “employability” of that party is a major factor to consider in how long alimony should go on for.  As does their financial resources, the time it takes for them to find a job and the standard of living they enjoyed during the marriage.  These are all the factors specifically relevant to stay at home partners or homemakers.

  1. Property Distribution or Division

Property is subject to be divided in the divorce when it was acquired during the marriage. Property division laws follow one of two principles.  Some states have “equitable distribution”, while others are “community property” states.    Equitable distribution laws look at what is “fair” to the parties based on a few factors.   Those factors can include the contribution each party made to the acquisition of the property, the length of the marriage, an award of alimony (it is amount and duration) and the loss of health insurance benefits because of the divorce.  In community property states, however, the marital property is divided equally no matter what if it is considered marital (as opposed to being classified as separate property.)

  1. Child Support

Child Support is determined by the state’s guidelines (statute) and is therefore usually straightforward with respect to calculations.  The problems come up when the wage earner is self-employed, works “off the books”, gets high commissions and bonuses or something similar where income is difficult to determine.  So, with respect to stay at home party in the divorce, the only issue that is highly relevant is if the guidelines allow for deviation from the calculations.   Deviating from the state’s guidelines usually requires that certain elements be present in your case.  For example, in New York the courts are allowed to deviate from the Child Support Standards Act (“CSSA”) if the combined income of the parties is $154,000 or more.

So, if the wage earner in your case makes a reported income of at least $154,000, the court can look at each parent’s finances; educational needs of the parents; the income differences between the parents; the lifestyle if the family had remained intact-these factors are relevant in stay-at-home situations.   Although each state has their own guidelines, they may have similar provisions for considering the stay-at-home parent’s circumstances.

  1. Child Custody

When it comes to child custody, it is conceivable that the stay-at-home parent would be in the better position to gain custody of the children.   However, the best interests’ factors help the court determine who should have custody, physical and legal.  (Read here for the best interests’ standards.) The parent that stayed at home with the children is not automatically the more “fit” parent or the one that will be more likely to fulfill the children’s mental, emotional, physical, and intellectual needs. Parents who work outside of the home can be considered as “fit” or as suitable to provide a safe, loving, and nurturing environment as the homemaker parent.

Best Interests of the Child Custody Each State 

Only some states have specific best interests’ factors, while others have more like guiding principles. The states that have set out factors have implicitly left out the financial resources of each parent as a top of the list consideration.  However, some states have factors that have a more direct impact on the circumstances of stay-at-home parents.  Factors like, the need for continuation of a stable home, adjustments to school and community and parenting ability to provide a safe, nurturing environment.  These factors can have a negative or positive influence on custody since the financial means of the stay-at-home parent will be disrupted.   Maintaining a connection within the community the children are most familiar, staying in the home they are most familiar with, and parenting ability are all indirectly (or directly).  Stay at home parents must make huge adjustments, mainly because of finances, that will cause some inevitable disruptions for them and their children.

 

In conclusion

Deciding if either parent should stay home to raise the children and be a homemaker is a decision that requires the undesirable thought of its implication on divorce.  Although it might suit the family’s circumstances at the time, it can definitely create issues later on.

 

If you wish to discuss our services and how they can help you in your family law matter, please feel free to schedule a FREE 15min consultation.

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Property Division in Divorce

Property Division in Divorce

One of the major issues that often comes up in divorce is splitting property or assets. Marriage is usually as much about economics as it is about emotion so how property is divvied up is key. Consequently, parties typically pursue their entitled interests in assets and/or finances as part of the divorce. How assets or property division in divorce when they are distributed and what each party gets are all important where the parties accumulated finances and/or personal or real property.

Part 1 – Family Court Frequently Asked Questions

The Economics of Marriage

One of the basic principles of marriage is that the union would improve the economic status of the parties, and the family. Traditionally, the wife was a homemaker while the husband was employed outside of the home. This arrangement did not necessarily increase the couple’s financial status but often it afforded the parties the opportunity to establish a reputable status. Since the late 70s, however, women working outside of the home while their husband worked became more acceptable. Financial success was the objective in most cases, even though for some it was a matter of necessity.

On the other hand, women choosing to stay home to raise a family was still a preference for many. As a result, many of these women were unable to accumulate any financial security on their own since they did not earn an income. When they divorced, they were left in a much worse financial state than when they married. So, the property division laws started to develop in various states to address this.

The Economics of Divorce

It was not until the early to mid-1980s that states started to see marriage as an economic partnership. Society finally started to accept the idea that marriage was as much about economic success as it was emotional. As a result, state legislators started to enact laws that addressed how financial and property accumulation during marriage should be split upon divorce.

First, property must be identified. Property acquired during marriage needs to be ascertained to ensure fairness.
Next, estimating time of acquisition of the property is important. Property acquired before marriage is usually considered separate property. Separate property (property acquired before marriage, by inheritance or gifts) is often excluded from division in divorce. (Although there are instances where separate property may be subject to distribution based on your state’s laws.) And last, a clear understanding of how your state splits assets determines the final award.

Part 2 – Family Law Frequently Asked Questions

Property Division Laws

States use one of two principles with respect to property division, either community property or equitable distribution.

Community property states are Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington, and Wisconsin. These states laws indicate that property acquired by either spouse during the span of the marriage is considered marital property and subject to be divided equally. (This may not apply to separate property or property either party possessed before the marriage.) Each state may have exceptions what they consider marital, how it is to be split and so on.

Equitable Distribution states are the other 41 states. The equitable distribution states are of the belief that marital assets are to be divided “equitably” or fairly, which is not necessarily equally. In these states the parties may receive a percentage of the overall value of marital property as opposed to actual splitting down the middle. In addition, the parties can wind up with a variety of assets and liabilities as property division in equitable distribution states.

Scenarios for Property Division

A. Wife inherits a farm ranch a year before she marries Husband. The parties move onto the property after they wed. Husband works on the farm and increases its value over the course of their 14-year marriage. In the divorce he asks for half of the value of the property based on his contributions. In a community property state, he would probably not be entitled to anything. But in an equitable distribution state, he might be entitled to some percentage of the increased value that accumulated during the 14 years.

B. Husband receives a $120,000 gift from his parents during marriage to Wife. Upon divorce, Wife seeks to have this gift included in the property division part of the case. In either community property or equitable distribution, she would not be entitled to any portion of the money. However, if she contends that the money was meant as a gift to both, then she has a chance to prevail.

C. Take Scenario B, Husband deposits the cash into the couples’ joint account. In an equitable distribution state, this is considered “comingled” assets and subjects the money to property division.

D. Take Scenario B, Husband buys a vacation home that has both parties’ names on the deed. Again, this is considered “comingled” and subjects the property to division.

In Conclusion

It is important to understand the consequences of divorce upon financial success or property acquisition. Not that you should have these thoughts before marriage, although there is nothing wrong with this thinking that is what prenuptials are for. But keeping these things in mind before divorce can help you prepare better. In addition, for purposed of negotiating having some insight on property division is extremely helpful.

If you wish to discuss your divorce and how I can help please feel free to schedule a free consultation Consultation

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